Kolobos

Tuesday, August 28, 2001

As a devoted insomniac, I find myself watching a lot of television late at night, which means I have, for the most part, three options.

Infomercials.

Porn.

Bad horror films.

All things being equal, I will choose the bad horror film, and have so chosen for the past ten years or so, which means I have seen way too many bad horror films of every conceivable variety.

So believe me when I say that Kolobos is a bad horror film.

Five people agree to be on a reality TV project where they are put in a house and filmed. Being as this is a bad horror film, they all get murdered in not terribly creative manners. The directors occasionally try and give the film a little Williamson-esque self-referentiality, in which the characters talk about how bad horror films are, but soon give up on that in favor of over-the-top slicings and dicings.

Is there any reason to watch this, you might ask? Not especially. It's no worse than most of the bad horror films out there. The plot kinda falls apart at the end, and the special effects (such as they are) are nothing to write home about, but if you're looking for something to lull you to sleep, it's not bad.

The one vaguely noteworthy aspect of the film is Promise LaMarco who plays a hipster/fast food worker. I would put down as much as $5 that, within five years, she has a part on a sitcom or comedic drama (e.g., Northern Exposure, Gilmore Girls) as a wacky townsperson. She's certainly the only actor in this film that caught my attention. Unfortunately she gets chopped up about thirty minutes into the film, at which point I had a pretty hard time staying awake. Would it have been that hard to do an on-the-set rewrite (presuming there was, in fact, a script) and bumped off the bland blond actress first?

Rating: D+

Reviewed by Padgett Arango
Contents
The Hills Have Eyes 2

Hostel Part II

Six Degrees

Shark

Jericho

Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip

Justice

The Hills Have Eyes

Love Monkey

Out of Practice

Head Cases

Crunchwrap Supreme

The Exorcism of Emily Rose

Batman Begins

Garden State

Hero

13 Going On 30

LAX

Starman

quirkyalone.net

Kill Bill, Vol. 2

Line of Fire

We Shall All Be Healed

Happy Family

Arrested Development

Love Actually

A Minute with Stan Hooper

Tarzan

Karen Sisco

Stop All the World Now

Cold Case

Skin

10-8

Joan of Arcadia

Eve

Luis

Lost In Translation

House of 1000 Corpses

Bubba Ho-Tep

Darkness Falls

Pirates of the Caribbean

The Amazing Race

Treasure Island

FearDotCom

Adaptation

To Hit Armor Class Zero

Without A Trace

8 Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter

Life With Bonnie

Jalapeņo Cheeseburger

The Mothman Prophecies

Happy Campers

The Man Who Wasn't There

Kiss of the Dragon

Josie & the Pussycats

Hedwig and the Angry Inch

Dr. Pepper

Know By Heart

Waking Life

L.I.E.

Thirteen Ghosts

Earthlink presents Chang and Eng

New York and Country Bar

Change

Motivation and Water Tower Grammar

Crossing Philly

Makeout Club

Undeclared

The Gap

The Abolition of Work

3000 Miles to Graceland

Kolobos

Duets

The Devil and the Deep Blue Sea

Diesel Sweeties

The Cold Six Thousand

The Grilled Stuft Burrito (Rebuttal)

60 Second Wipeout

The Patriot

Grilled Stuft Burrito

Cowgirls

Crystalline

Frankenfinger E.P.

One Force Down

Shake

Both Our Secrets

Happy Birthday Captain Columbus!

Fight Club

Whatever It Takes

Committed

That Skinny Motherfucker with the High Voice?

Joe Dirt

The Veggie Whopper

Taco Bell Nachos

Palmetto

Godzilla vs. Monster Zero

The Terror of Mechagodzilla

To The Center

Infiniti+Infiniti

American Psycho

The Del Shredder

What Lies Beneath

The Cheesy Gordita Crunch

Bring It On

Chill Factor

Alan Mendelsohn, the Boy from Mars

Bad Company

The Blair Witch Project

Hyacinths and Thistles

Lake of Dracula

We'll Have a Time

Home Depot

Snow Day

The Virgin Suicides