The pimps; the C.H.U.D.s

Well, Rob Zombie's remaking C.H.U.D.
The solitary directorial feature from Douglas Cheek, the only story credit of Shepard Abbott, and the only screenplay credit from mystery writer Parnell Hall, C.H.U.D. portrays a New York City beset by a sudden rash of subterranean mutant attacks.

C.H.U.D., or Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers, is among the first horror movies I ever saw – I know I saw Dracula and a smattering of the classics before 1984, but at least as of this moment, it's the first one I have a specific memory of watching. I lived in New York at the time, and if at that young age I wasn't aware of the word "subtext," the film certainly resonated, and if part of that was due to the implication that I had been prescient in giving manhole covers a wide berth, the movie's lessons go beyond location-shoot specificity.

A quarter century later (assuming a 2009 or so release date), C.H.U.D. is still underrated; it's appreciated as culty 80s horror, but its underlying themes of environmental horror and urbanoia tend to go unremarked.

I'm glad that Rob Zombie likes C.H.U.D., because I like C.H.U.D. I've got a strong feeling that Rob Zombie likes a lot of the things I like. That said, there's not a lot of overlap between what Rob Zombie professes a love for, implicitly or explicitly, and what he's shown himself to be capable of accomplishing as a director.

Based on Rob Zombie's first two films, I'm not convinced he's got anything to offer a remake of C.H.U.D. besides convincing gore effects, which are all well and good for C.H.U.D., but I wouldn't mind seeing it in the hands of someone who'd treat it with a bit more depth. That said, I'll still give him a chance.

What bothers me more is that I still can't get C.H.U.D. II: Bud the Chud on DVD. Completely silly and really rather charming, David Irving's 1989 semi-sequel (from a script by a pseudonymous Ed Naha, following up his work on Troll and From Beyond) has virtually nothing to do with the first film and very much to do with being a fun late-80s 90% comedy, 10% horror flick of the sort like which they just don't make 'em anymore. Starring Brian Robbins in full-on Head of the Class mode, C.H.U.D. II assembles a cast like a Friar's Club roast on a strict budget: Bianca Jagger, Larry Linville, June Lockhart, Norman Fell, Rich Hall, and Robert Vaughn, who knocks Larry Cedar's glasses off with a riding crop. Gerrit Graham does some fine physical work in the title role as Bud, a distinct comic version of Day of the Dead's Bub. I know it's got a 2.9 on IMDb, and the combination of 'low-rated 80s horror-comedy' plus 'lone crackpot insisting it's good' doesn't instill confidence, but I love it, and at the very least, I hope the remake means a quickie bargain DVD edition for those of me who've been holding out hope.

Tell me you don't want to see this.